I hope you'll take something away from it, I definitely have.
Thank you.
My Confident Man.
When the one you confide in
Becomes the one who ignited it
I didn't notice until it was too late
Until I began to resonate
The calmness of his expression, no shocked look upon his
face
Of course he understood
How could he not
Sitting at the top
Of the spiral of fear he created
Whilst he was waiting,
Every move that he was making
Of course he understood
He was there himself
Enjoying the secrecy, the pain and the thrill
The way his movements still gave that girl a chill
The way she gave everything to keep him feeling alive
The way she lost herself as he began to thrive
The way she practically killed herself so he could just
survive.
Of course he understood
How could he not
Standing there in silence as my stomach was in knots
Looking at me like nothing as I unraveled in front of him
Spilling out these secrets I’d been carrying for years
Finally saying enough was enough I’m tired of the fear
Letting go of the horrible words as they tumbled out my
mouth
Surprising myself at just how heavy they felt
Finally opening up and saying this isn't how it should be
Going through this shit since I was fourteen
Feeling like I’m special but knowing that I’m nothing
Feeling like I’m dying on the inside, but I’m giving it up
for something.
Clinging on to anything I get when he makes me feel like I’m
important
But knowing deep down It was more like just a remnant
A chess piece in a game of power
Lording it over everyone else because he had a little
servant
A girl he made feel special but altogether nervous
I didn't know any better, I was scared and alone
But after four years he took it too close to home
Started trying to do the same thing to my best friend
But no, that’s enough, this is where it ends
I've suffered enough, you can’t have her too
She’s delicate and sweet, not for you to pursue
So I told him, my other teacher
Someone I could trust
That this needed to stop I've finally had enough
It’s taken this to make me realise that he’s gone too far
I’m not his favourite girl, I’m not his fucking star
I’m not going to let someone else feel
That they’ve lost who they are
Leave them feeling like their life is in the dark
So he sat there and listened as I poured my heart out
Tears on my cheeks, it’s not enough I want to shout
He needs to understand the gravity of the situation
But instead he sits down waiting
Watching me till I finish what I’m saying
Sitting calmly as anything, no change in his face
He wasn't concerned for me or my best friend
This wasn't a situation that he wanted to amend
We were the sort of people he wanted to bend
And warp and hurt until we started to descend
Falling back to the darkness completely at a loss
No one else and just each other to defend
Of course he understood, how could he not
He probably knew he wasn't the only one
Making girls as young as fourteen feel like someone
Before that searing pleasure feels nothing but numb
And you become empty and isolated
Because you know that he’s waiting
And enjoying everything he’s making
But what you don’t know is that the person you just confided
in
Is the person who ignited it
And those scars will be burnt into you forever
And you can try but you’ll never
Be completely healed
The wounds won’t fully seal
But every time they hurt you’re reminded of your strength
The courage it took and what that first step truly meant
They’re both cowards and bullies you can see that now
And it’s ok because I can honestly say that I’m proud
Of myself.
Lucy McLeod, 26/04/2013
